


100 Ways to Say I Love You

by TwistedRocketPower



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 13:16:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 21,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedRocketPower/pseuds/TwistedRocketPower
Summary: There are many different ways to say, "I love you."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter is an individual story written from prompts I was given on tumblr. I'm adding them to ao3 so it's easier for people to read through.
> 
> Enjoy!

**92\. “I want you to be happy.”**

 

 

It was scary.

No, it was more than that.

It was terrifying.

The worst part was that, in the beginning, Phil didn’t even know what  _it_ was.

Dan just got this way sometimes. Out of nowhere, he’d change. They’d go to bed and he’d be loud, cheerful Dan. Then they’d wake up and he’d be gone.

Not literally… at least, not always. It would be like a fog had fallen over him and, no matter how hard he tried, there was nothing Phil could do to get it to go away.

One day, Dan had mentioned offhandedly that doctors had told him in the past that he had depression, but he always brushed it off as not being all that serious.

At first, Phil had tried treating these days like Dan was sick. He’d fix him soup, and hot tea, and make him take medicine even though he didn’t have a fever. But, the soup would go untouched, as would the tea. And the medicine never helped.

When Phil realized that was never going to work, he moved on to other methods.

He’d stay by Dan’s side, making jokes when he knew Dan was awake, hoping he’d laugh.

Dan didn’t.

Then he’d leave Dan alone, waiting for him to leave the room and join him for video games or movies.

But, Dan spent three days only leaving the bedroom to use the bathroom, and Phil realized leaving Dan to deal with this alone wasn’t an option at all.

…And then he got mad.

It wasn’t his fault. Not really. Dan just got up one morning and left before Phil woke up. That had happened before, and Phil knew he’d find Dan’s phone somewhere in the house. Dan usually came home a couple of hours later. He’d have no emotion on his face, but he’d apologize anyway and then make his way to the bedroom.

This time, he didn’t come home a couple of hours later.

The entire day passed by and there was no sight of Dan. It was getting dark out, and Phil had no idea what to do.

He had a million thoughts running through his head. Should he call the police? Should he call Dan’s family? Should he call  _his_  family?

He didn’t want to overreact.

But he also didn’t want to underreact.

More time passed and it was close to their bedtime. Phil was exhausted. He had spent the entire day going from pacing the floors, to sitting, staring blankly ahead on the couch, to fixing himself cups of tea that he wouldn’t ever drink, to pacing some more.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

That thought stopped him dead in his tracks.

_I can’t do this anymore._

He had spent years consumed with this worry. It didn’t just happen when Dan went off like this. It happened all the time. It happened when Dan slept too late, or when he’d stare at the TV for too long, or when he wouldn’t react to something funny that was said, or when too many days passed by with him being happy because if he was happy for two weeks straight then surely another episode was about to happen.

Phil sunk into the couch, leaning his head against the back of it and closing his eyes. They felt like he’d been swimming underwater all day. He just wanted to sleep.

And then the front door opened, and Dan walked inside, and he walked into the living room and stared at Phil, and Phil stared back because there was nothing he could think of to say.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said. He said it the same way he said it when he was gone for a couple of hours.

Phil wasn’t sure if it was the tone that made him angry, or the words, or the fact that Dan looked perfectly fine, but something made his face go red with anger.

“You’re sorry? That’s it?”

“You’re mad,” Dan replied. His eyes widened slightly. Phil didn’t get mad often. At least, not outwardly.

“I’ve been waiting for nearly fifteen hours, Dan. Fifteen  _damn_  hours having no idea where you were or what happened to you! I didn’t know if you’d been hurt, or if you were dead!” He stood up and moved a couple of steps closer to Dan. “I didn’t know who to call, or if I should even call anyone!” He took a deep breath, running his hands over his face. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“You… Wh- what do you mean?” Dan’s face fell, but he didn’t raise his voice. Didn’t even try to fight back.

Phil stared into Dan’s eyes, wondering if Dan even felt the pain he was feeling right now.

“I’m… I’m just tired, Dan. I need… I’m going to sleep by myself tonight.”

He walked around Dan and headed back to his room, shutting the door behind him. The fact that Dan never came in only made him hurt worse.

 

The next morning, Phil woke up with puffy, red eyes, reminding him how he silently cried himself to sleep the night before.

He heard movement from outside the room, and knew it had to be Dan, but he didn’t get up. He didn’t want to get up. He wanted to stay in his bed forever, because he knew he’d have to make decisions he didn’t want to make if he ever left this room.

He stared at the ceiling for a while longer, until the sound of the bedroom door cracking open made him look away.

“Can I come in?” Dan asked, his voice soft and quiet. It wasn’t monotone anymore, like it had been the day before.

“Yeah,” Phil answered. He didn’t bother sitting up.

Dan walked into the room and laid down on his side of the bed. Phil could tell he was on his side, turned toward him, staring at him, but Phil couldn’t bring himself to look back.

“Phil?”

“Yeah?”“I… I want you to be happy,” Dan said, his voice breaking mid-sentence.

Phil turned his head to look at him. Dan had tears in his eyes; they weren’t falling, but they were there. “What?”

“I know it’s not fair to you. I’m a lot, sometimes. A lot of the time, actually. I want you to be happy though. You deserve to be happy.”

Phil had to sit up now. He couldn’t have this conversation lying down. “Are you breaking up with me?” He asked as Dan sat up as well.

Dan shook his head. “No, I’m- I couldn’t do that.” He took a deep breath. “I want to get help. I know what’s wrong, and I know that ignoring it won’t help anymore. It never did help. But, I- if you want t- to go, I won’t…” He paused, taking another shaky breath. “I’ll understand.”

“Dan, I don’t want to go anywhere. Last night was just  _too_  scary. It was more than anything else you’ve done before and I was terrified.” 

He hated seeing this look on Dan’s face, like he was seconds away from falling apart. He reached out, gently cupping Dan’s cheek in his hand. He leaned in and gave him a soft kiss; even as he did, he could feel Dan’s lips trembling. “I am  _so_  happy with you, Dan,” he said, just barely pulling back from him. “So, unbelievably happy. I want  _you_  to be happy.”

Dan leaned his forehead against Phil’s, tears starting to stream down his face. “I want to be happy too.”


	2. Chapter 2

__**74\. “We can share.”  
**

Dan hated social gatherings.

Well, that wasn’t completely true. Sometimes, he liked being at events. Sometimes, it was nice to be surrounded by other people who could make him laugh.

But, he needed to be in the mood.

And, today, he was not in the mood.

He and Phil had flown into the US the night before, and their ride had been full of turbulence. Then it had taken forty-five minutes to get from the airport to the hotel, and Phil’s stomach had been on edge to begin with, so they spent the next two hours sitting in the hotel room, waiting to see if Phil was going to vomit or if his stomach would settle.

It had also taken nearly an hour for Dan to get hold of someone who could bring Phil crackers because he hated to be  _that guy_  who tells the hotel staff he’s an “important person” and it wasn’t like they had Saltines on hand just for people with motion sickness.

Even though Phil never threw up, neither of them got much sleep because the people next door must’ve been newlyweds with the way they were going at it all through the night. At one point, Dan had banged on the wall between them, but they didn’t get the hint. In fact, he was pretty sure it made them louder.

He had a headache by morning, and ibuprofen rarely ever helped, and today it didn’t help at all.

He barely had time to eat breakfast before he and Phil were pushed out for a meet and greet, where people hugged him too tight and he had to wear a smile for too long. Usually, he loved this more than anything, but today it just made his headache worse.

And Phil didn’t seem fazed at all, which only made Dan more annoyed throughout the day.

He hoped he hid it well. Nowadays, Dan tried hard to not bite peoples heads off when he was the one with the problems, but sometimes the old him could slip through the cracks.

He thought he was pulling it off though.

But now it was the end of the day, and all he wanted to do was go back to the hotel room, get a shower, and sleep for five years. Phil wanted to be social though, and see all their friends that they never got to see, and Dan couldn’t blame him for that, so now they were here.

They were at a table, waiting for dinner to be served, surrounded by people they both did and didn’t know, all of whom were talking too loudly in Dan’s opinion.

Finally, dinner arrived, and their plates were sat in front of them one by one. Except, Dan’s plate was different from Phil’s even though they had written down the same thing weeks ago when they had been asked if they wanted a chicken, fish, steak, or vegan meal at this gathering. They had both decided on chicken, but there was a very fragrant, fishy meal placed in front of him.

He stared down at it, knowing there was no way he’d ever make a fuss in front of all these people. Just the thought of sounding pretentious to a waiter in a room filled with other pretentious YouTubers made him want to crawl into a hole and die.

He closed his eyes briefly, wishing the smell would disappear, when he felt Phil gently nudge him with his elbow.

Dan looked over at him, raising his eyebrows in question.

“We can share,” Phil said quietly. Dan noticed his chicken was already cut in half. Phil placed it on his empty bread plate, moving Dan’s plate out of the way and replacing it with the chicken. He then scooped up some of his own sides and added it to Dan’s plate.

Dan smiled at him. “Thank you,” he replied. He scooted a bit closer to Phil as he began to eat, and couldn’t help but think about how yesterday and today actually hadn’t been too bad.


	3. Chapter 3

**64\. “It’s two sugars, right?”**

 

It was such a simple thing.

Dan was staying with Phil for the first time, and they had the whole place to themselves. They had been having a wonderful time, to say the least. They fell asleep that first night with their long limbs tangled together, holding each other as close as possible to make up for the months they couldn’t touch one another.

It was all incredible. Every single moment.

But it was something that happened the next morning that made Phil’s heart swell up.

He woke up smelling coffee. Opened his eyes to Dan crawling back onto the bed with a cup in each hand.

Phil stretched out, smiling up at him before he sat up.

He was usually grumpy before his first cup of coffee, but he couldn’t find a reason to be grumpy today.

“It’s two sugars, right?” Dan asked, handing him one of the cups.

And that’s when it hit Phil. He’d never been with someone like this before. Someone who remembered something he said in passing during a Skype call. Something that shouldn’t have stayed stored in Dan’s brain. He felt so lucky. He couldn’t believe he’d found someone like Dan.

Phil leaned forward and gave Dan a kiss on the cheek. “Right.”


	4. Chapter 4

**32\. “It looks good on you.”  
**

 

Phil liked t-shirts. He liked to be comfortable, and t-shirts were what he was most comfortable in.

He also liked to stick with what he knew, when it came to clothing. He was different from Dan that way. Dan liked to try new things. He liked to stay up with trends, even if he didn’t always follow them. He liked to splurge on jumpers and shoes, saying it wasn’t a waste of money if he was going to wear it a hundred times anyway.

But Phil liked to stick to the three types of shirts he knew best: basic jumpers, t-shirts, and button ups.

Which is why he shocked himself the day he went out for a little shopping and ended up buying navy blue, knitted jumper. It wasn’t all that practical, and he didn’t really need it, but he saw it and he liked it.

He almost put it back when he saw it was over fifty pounds, but he took a deep breath and bought it because it wouldn’t be a waste if he wore it fifty times.

When he got home from the shops, Dan was at therapy, so Phil changed into the jumper and settled on the couch, watching TV and thinking about whether or not he’d actually ever wear this jumper in public or for a video.

It wasn’t  _that_  different. It was nothing like Dan’s potato sack jumper, which Phil still wished he could make disappear. But, this did have a wider neck than most of his shirts. It was so soft he didn’t feel the need to wear another shirt under it. It was a bit longer than most of his jumpers were too. It stopped just under his butt, and for the first time he felt like he understood why Dan loved oversized clothing. The sleeves were a little loose too, making it easy for him to wrap his arms around himself and cuddle up on the couch. He was unbelievably comfy, but the idea of wearing it in front of anyone else was slightly terrifying.

When Dan got home, Phil didn’t move off of the couch. He knew Dan would be over in a minute anyway, coming to see what Phil was watching and decide if he wanted to watch it too.

“Hey,” Dan greeted as he came up the stairs.

“Hey, how was it?”

“Good, I think. How was your afternoon?”

“Good too.”

Dan walked over to the couch and sat down, doing a double take a Phil when he noticed his new attire.

“You got a jumper?” He asked, reaching out to touch the material.

“Yeah,” Phil said, glancing down at it.

Dan moved closer to him, moving Phil’s arm out of his way and then wrapping it around him so he could snuggle up to Phil. He rested his head under Phil’s shoulder. “It looks good on you,” he said, laying a hand over Phil’s stomach so he could touch the material. He always loved soft things.

Phil smiled. “Really?” He asked. “You like it?”

Dan nodded, already focusing on the TV show they were watching. “Love it. It’s cozy.”

Phil settled further into the couch, gently scratching at Dan’s back as they continued to watch TV.

Maybe he would wear it for a gaming video, or a video of his own. It would be a shame to let a fifty pound jumper stay hidden anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

**86\. “You’re special too.”  
**

 

 

Dan had a problem.

It wasn’t a problem anyone knew about.

At least, they didn’t know everything.

He felt insecure sometimes. It was over something he knew was dumb, but he couldn’t help it.

His parents were good people- they were- but as Dan grew older, he realized that they weren’t supposed to be parents. At least, not until a few years after he was born.

He was a surprise. His parents were young when his mum found out she was pregnant. She and Dan’s dad had only been dating for a few months when he was conceived. When he realized this one day as a young teenager, it made him start to wonder.

Would they even be together if it weren’t for him? Would they have broken up and gone their separate ways? Would they have had different children and families?

They got married a couple of years after Dan was born. He still wondered if it was at the insistence of his religious grandma. Did she nag them about it until they went down to the courthouse?

No one ever held it over his head. No one ever blamed him for anything. His parents were fairly clueless on how to be parents, especially at first, but they always loved him. His grandparents did too. In fact, his one set of grandparents loved him so much that, sometimes, he wished he could have lived with them instead of with his mum and dad.

The problem wasn’t that his family blamed him. It was that  _he_  blamed him.

He wasn’t even sure what he blamed himself for. It wasn’t like he had a say in the matter. He didn’t make any of the decisions.

But even now, at 26 years old, that feeling of guilt would squeeze his chest at times. At the moment, it was because he was looking at old photo albums of Martyn and Phil when they were young. He was squished between Phil and Kathryn on the couch, and Kathryn was telling him about how special Martyn and Phil were, and still are, to her. It made Dan think about the fact that she and Nigel were already married when they had Martyn. They were established in good careers, and had a house, and a car, and Kathryn  _still_  had her wedding dress in her closet.

Dan’s mum threw away the shirt she was married in a couple years after the wedding, when it got a hole under the arm.

And when Phil was born, his parents already knew what to do. They didn’t have to learn, because they already had the basics down.

Phil never heard his parents worry or argue about money. He never had to watch his dad try and fix a toilet because they couldn’t afford a plumber. He wasn’t told the truth about Santa when he was five because his parents couldn’t afford to buy that many gifts.

It didn’t make Dan jealous. Phil’s life wasn’t perfect either, because no one’s ever is. But, it did make him sad. Sad because, maybe, if it weren’t for him, his parents could have had what the Lester’s have.

 

That night, as he and Phil laid in a bed that wasn’t theirs, Phil turned on his side to face Dan.

“You okay?” He asked, because he knew. He always knew.

“Just tired,” Dan replied, blinking a few times so he wouldn’t have to stare straight into Phil’s eyes.

“Was it the pictures?” Phil asked.

Dan bit at his bottom lip, giving Phil a small nod.

Phil reached out and cupped Dan’s cheek, gently rubbing his thumb over the rosy, windburnt skin. “You’re special too. You know that, right?”

Dan closed his eyes, melting into Phil’s touch. Dan never understood how he always managed to find the right words to say.

“I love you,” Dan replied, opening his eyes halfway so he could look at Phil one more time before he fell asleep.

Phil leaned forward and gave him a small peck on the lips. A barely there kiss that still, somehow, made Dan’s heart flutter.

He wrapped his arm around Dan’s waist, moving closer to him until their legs were tangled together. “I love you too.”


	6. Chapter 6

**83\. “Stay there. I’m coming to you.”  
**

 

 

Sometimes, Dan wanted to be alone. He wanted a silent house. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts. He wanted to write in his journal, and close his eyes and daydream, and curl up on the couch with a book and a blanket.

Other times, he hated the silence. He hated how his brain wouldn’t let him rest. Hated how the only thing he could write in his journal was a list of things he needed to do.

Today, he hated the silence. It was too loud, and he’d been stuck in it all day.

Phil had left early that morning for meetings. After meetings, he was going to lunch with an old friend. After lunch he was going to go get his mum some birthday gifts. And after that he was going to the store to pick up some items they needed at the house.

A regular person might be able to finish all of that and be home by three. Phil was anything but regular; a fact Dan usually loved.

Today, Dan wished that Phil knew exactly what he wanted to pick out for his mum. He wished it wouldn’t take him three hours to pick out the perfect presents. He wished it wasn’t almost seven, and he’d probably be eating dinner alone.

He didn’t understand it fully, why he got this was sometimes. It wasn’t like when his depression would give him a bad day. This was just overthinking and loneliness thrown into a bag and shaken up.

He hated this feeling, and he didn’t think he could calmly deal with it much longer. Soon, he’d be up off the couch and pacing the floors, and turning music up loud, and cleaning things that didn’t need to be cleaned, and tears would be filling in his eyes because that always happened when he got like this.

So, he did the only thing he knew he could always do.

He called Phil.

“Hello,” Phil answered happily. Too happily.

“Hey,” Dan said, trying to match Phil’s tone.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked, his voice dropping immediately.

Dan sighed. “Just a bad day.” He bit nervously at his bottom lip. Phil needed alone time too. He should have let him have that.

“ _Nothing_  bad or  _too much_  bad?” Phil asked. It wasn’t the first time he asked that question.  _“Are you not feeling any emotions, or too many emotions?”_  That was the real question.

“Too much,” Dan answered. “I’m sorry for calling, I just-”

“Stay there,” Phil interrupted. “I’m coming to you.”

Dan couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. Where would he go? He was already home.

But then it hit him. Phil was always on the other end of Dan’s unplanned walks. He was the one left with Dan’s cell phone, and no idea where he’d gone or how long he’d be out.

His smile fell. “Were you in the store?” Dan asked, wrapping his blanket up over his chest.

“Yeah. I’m not now though.”

“Did you not get to buy Kath’s presents?”

“I did. I was getting our food. You’re not going to have bread for toast in the morning, by the way. I dropped everything in the frozen food section. Oh shoot!”

“What?”

“I stole a Kinder egg!”

“You what?”

“I just realized it was in my hand,” Phil replied. “Dan, I’m a thief!”

Dan laughed again. “You’ll be home soon, right?”

“Ten minutes, unless the police find me.”

Dan rolled his eyes fondly. “I’ll see you soon, Phil. Sorry to end your day early.”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve missed you all day, Danny.”

Dan closed his eyes, letting out a deep breath. Suddenly, the silence didn’t seem so loud.

“I’ve missed you too.”


	7. Chapter 7

**70\. “You’re warm.”  
**

 

It was a cold, mid-December night. The heat was on, but it wasn’t warming the flat much.

They’d be leaving soon. Both going separate ways to spend time with family. Phil felt a chill run down his spine at the thought.

He didn’t mind going home. He loved it, actually. He loved the way his parents house smelled. Loved the decorations, and playing games with his family, and watching movies with them, and snuggling on the couch with cocoa and sharing stories.

But, there was one thing his parents house lacked.

Dan.

Dan, who was currently curled up by Phil’s side, sharing a blanket as they watched a movie.

They had empty coffee cups on the coffee table, along with a tin of cookies that Dan’s grandma had sent to them.

Dan was absentmindedly playing with a loose thread on Phil’s sweatpants, twirling it with his fingers and occasionally brushing his hand against Phil’s thigh.

“You should come home with me,” Phil said out of nowhere. The suggestion shocked him, so he couldn’t imagine how Dan felt.

Dan sat up a bit so he could look at Phil. “What?”

“You should come home with me. If you want, I mean.”

“I… I’m expected to be home for Christmas.”

“You could come stay a few days, until you needed to go home.”

Dan took in a deep breath. “Are you sure?” He asked, and Phil could hear all the unspoken words in his question.

He nodded. “Positive.”

“Then, I’ll go,” Dan said, snuggling back up to Phil. He drooped an arm over Phil’s waist, and Phil wrapped his arms around Dan, holding onto him tight.

“Mm,” Dan hummed, resting his head on Phil’s chest. “You’re warm.”

Phil dropped a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. “So are you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**33\. “Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”  
**

 

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands.”

Dan glanced up at Phil from his spot on the couch. “What?”

“Close your eyes and hold out your hands,” Phil repeated.

“No.”

“Come on, Dan. Please?” Phil begged, puckering out his bottom lip.

“Phil, the last time I did this you dumped an entire cup of sand into my hands.”

“It was the best way to tell you I booked an island vacation!”

“I can think of multiple, much better ways!”

_“Dan!”_  Phil whined.

“You must be able to understand my hesitation.”

“It’s not sand, I swear.”

“Phil-”

“Dan, it’s a good thing. Close your eyes.”

Dan groaned, but straightened up on the couch and closed his eyes.

“Yay!” Phil exclaimed, clapping his hands together before he hurried out of the room. He returned less than a minute later. “Hands out, please.”

He could tell Dan rolled his eyes, even with them closed, but he held out his hands anyway. “I swear to God, Phil-”

“Shush. It’s good. It’s a little heavy though, so make sure you have a good hold on it.”

“Alright,” Dan said as Phil began to place the item in his hands. It was a bit cold, and felt like it was made of glass.

“Don’t slosh it around or anything,” Phil said quickly.

“No sloshing. Can I open my eyes.”

“Yep!”

Dan opened his eyes and looked down at a medium sized fish bowl, containing two black and white fish. “Fish,” Dan said, slightly shocked.

_“Our_  fish!” Phil clarified, sitting down on the couch. “Aren’t they adorable?”

Dan watched them swim around the bowl for a couple of seconds. “They are pretty cute,” he agreed. “When the hell did you buy fish?”

“Earlier today.”

“Earlier today when you went out to buy groceries?”

Phil nodded. “Mhm.”

“I don’t even wanna know how you went from getting groceries to purchasing fish.”

“My brain is a magical place.”

“It truly is.” Dan sat the fish bowl down and continued to watch as they moved all around.

“We have to get them a proper tank,” Phil said, “but I wanted to make sure you didn’t care if we kept them first.”

“Of course I don’t care if we have some fish, Phil.”

Phil smiled. “Good. I think it’ll be good practice for our future dog.”

“Cause they’re so similar?” Dan asked, looking over at Phil with a grin.

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do.”

They both sat there, leaning forward as they watched their new pets swim in the bowl. “What should we name them?” Dan asked.

“Well, I was thinking-”

“Not Susan!” Dan said quickly.

“But, Dan!”


	9. Chapter 9

**36\. “We’ll figure it out.”  
**

 

The moment Dan first got his medication in his hand, he felt relief. There was finally a solution that would actually help him. Something to make him feel better and have less bad days.

Unfortunately, that relief didn’t last very long. Soon after he began taking the medication, he felt like a zombie. At least, that’s the best way he could describe it.

He was so tired. Always feeling like he hadn’t slept, even after just waking up. His eyes couldn’t focus, and he felt like an outsider in his own life.

One moment, he’d be on the couch watching TV, then the next he’d be lying with his head in Phil’s lap. Hours would have passed and he never remembered falling asleep in the first place.

Not only that, he also felt nauseous. He would be hungry, so he’d eat, and then he’d spend the next two hours on the verge of throwing up. A couple of unfortunate times, he  _did_  throw everything back up.

It felt like a punch to the gut. Like all of his hope had been pointless. 

He laid in bed one morning, long after he had woken up, with tears filling his eyes. They slowly fell down his face as he silently cried.

Phil came into the room, bringing him a cup of coffee, and Dan couldn’t even be bothered to wipe the tears away.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Phil asked softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“It’s not working,” Dan replied. “I- I wanted it to work.”

Phil reached over and ran his fingers through Dan’s hair. Dan closed his eyes to the touch.

“The doctor said it may time some time,” Phil reminded him. “You might need a different dose.”

Dan let out a shaky breath. “I wanna get better.”

“You will,” Phil replied confidently. He wiped the tears off of Dan’s cheeks, then moved the covers slightly so he could hold Dan’s hand. “We’ll figure it out,” he said, giving Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I promise.” 


	10. Chapter 10

**16\. "It's okay. I couldn't sleep anyway."**

 

Usually, Dan couldn’t sleep. He would be up past three o’clock in the morning, going from tumblr, to Twitter, to Reddit, to whatever other website he could find.

Other times, however, Dan could sleep like a baby. Probably much better than a baby. Those were the nights he and Phil would go to bed at a reasonable hour, Dan’s back pressed up against Phil’s chest. Those were Phil’s favorite nights. The ones he’d get the best sleep. The nights he wished could last forever, wanting time to stop for a while.

Except, on occasion, Phil couldn’t fall asleep at all.

_“Your brain moves like a hamster on a wheel,”_  Dan said once. And, on these nights, Phil understood what he meant.

It wasn’t one thing that would be on his mind. That’s what happened to Dan a lot.

Phil would get ten things on his mind at once. The tour, his parents, not visiting friends enough, meetings, merchandise, making videos, finding more games to play, editing, grocery shopping, and cleaning were currently twirling around in his brain.

Two hours after Dan has fallen asleep, he was still awake. The wheel in his brain was constantly turning as he stared up at the ceiling.

He sighed, looking over at the clock just in time to watch it turn from 2:31 to 2:32.

He knew lying in bed wouldn’t help. He wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight.

He got out of bed and headed into the living room, quietly shutting the door behind him.

He sat on the couch and turned on the TV, but sitting and staring at the screen did nothing to help clear his head. So, he decided to play Mario Kart instead.

He was in the middle of his fifth race when he heard some shuffling behind him. He turned to see Dan walking toward the couch, wrapped up in a blanket.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Dan asked through a yawn, sitting down beside Phil.

“Lots on my mind,” Phil replied, pausing the game. “You don’t have to sit up with me.”

“It’s okay,” Dan said with a shrug. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

“That’s such a lie, Howell,” Phil said, smiling at him.

“Shut up, Lester.” Dan held out a hand toward Phil. “Give me a controller.”


	11. Chapter 11

**66\. “Stay over.”  
**

Dan had only been in university for a week when he showed up at Phil’s flat with a hamper full of dirty laundry.

“Are you moving in?” Phil asked as Dan stood in the doorway.

“No,” Dan replied, walking on in and dropping the hamper in Phil’s living room. “I need to do my laundry here. There is no other place in this godforsaken town where I can do it.”

“Isn’t there like three laundromats between here and your dorm?”

Dan glared at Phil. “Can I do my laundry or no?”

“Someone’s grumpy,” Phil said, motioning toward the washer. “All yours.”

“Thank you.”

 

They had decided a couple of months earlier that Dan should live in the dorms for his first year at university. Phil didn’t want him to miss out on having a normal school life, and Dan  _did_  wonder what it would be like.

They had also decided that they’d spend the first two weeks apart as much as possible, but Phil wasn’t going to be the one to bring that up now.

 

It hadn’t taken long for Dan to start his laundry, and it  _had_  been a whole damn week since they’d seen each other, so it didn’t take very long for them to be in Phil’s room with their clothes thrown in different spots throughout the house.

“I need to put my clothes in the dryer,” Dan said as Phil still breathed heavily beside him.

“Romance is dead,” he replied, glancing over at Dan with a smile.

Dan turned onto his side and bopped the tip of Phil’s nose. “If I don’t dry my clothes and get back soon, I’ll be locked out of my dorm.”

“So stay over,” Phil said, taking Dan’s hand and placing it on top of his chest, holding onto it tightly.

“But, we said-”

“We said a lot of stupid things,” Phil interrupted. “And we already broke the rules we made… like, a couple of times now.”

“Shut up,” Dan said with a laugh, a blush rising on his cheeks. “I have a class at noon tomorrow.”

“I’ll make sure you’re up early.”

“Oh, you will?”

“I’ll set an alarm and everything.”

Dan sighed. “Phil-”

“Just, stay over. Please? I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“I mean, if you really don’t want to,” Phil continued, as though he hadn’t even heard Dan, “you don’t have to, but I’d-”

Dan leaned over and quieted Phil with a kiss. “Of course I want to, you twat.”

“I love when you call me sweet nicknames,” Phil replied, faking a dreamy sigh.

“You’re an asshole,” Dan said, climbing over Phil to get out of the bed and leave the room. “I’m putting my clothes in the dryer now. Don’t get out of bed!”

“Wasn’t planning on it!”


	12. Chapter 12

**2\. “It reminded me of you.”  
**

 

****Dan was on day three of what was, in his opinion, the worst flu of his entire life. He was fairly sure it was going to kill him, no matter how many times the doctor assured him it wouldn’t.

There had been a celebration planned. The first phase of the tour had been figured out, and the final papers had been signed to give the go ahead on building the set. So, their management team had planned a little get together. Twenty people or so, going out for a nice, private dinner so they could eat, talk, and look over the miniature set that had been built.

But, Dan couldn’t go now, so Phil went alone. He had planned on canceling at first, but Dan insisted he go and eat for the both of them.

Still, Dan couldn’t help it when two hours after Phil had left, he was feeling grumpy and sad about being left alone. He wanted Phil under the covers with him, his arms wrapped around his waist, a gentle kiss pressed to the back of his neck.

He also wanted food. And Phil was eating all the food he wanted, while he was stuck with crackers and water.

 

Another thirty minutes passed before Dan heard Phil get home. The bedroom door slowly opened, and he knew Phil was trying to be quiet.

“I’m awake,” Dan said, opening his eyes and looking toward the door.

“Did I wake you?” Phil asked, keeping his voice low.

“No. How was it?”

“It was good. Everyone missed you.” Phil walked over to the bed, sitting down at the end of it to take his shoes off. “How are you feeling?”

“Kept three crackers down,” Dan mumbled.

“That’s better than yesterday.”

Dan simply let out a groan in response.

A few seconds later, he felt the bed shift as Phil got up and went to place his shoes on the shoe rack.

Phil walked back over to Dan’s side of the bed, gently pressing his hand up to Dan’s forehead, then running his fingers through his hair. “Doesn’t feel like you have a fever,” he said.

“Mm. Not for the next twenty minutes, at least.”

“Sorry for giving you my flu.”

“I should’ve put you in quarantine.”

Phil let out a laugh. “Next time. Oh!” He reached into his pocket and pulled something out, then set it down on the nightstand. “They used some of these as audience members for the mini theater that was built. I stole this one though. It reminded me of you.” He bent down and gave Dan a kiss on the temple. “I’m gonna go get a shower, then I’ll be in.”

As Phil left out of the bedroom, Dan reached over and grabbed the little item. It was a miniature dinosaur; Dan was fairly certain it was a diplodocus. He had absolutely no idea why this particular item reminded Phil of him, but that didn’t matter. He held the little dinosaur in his hands and closed his eyes, the soothing sounds of the shower running helping him drift off to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was posted to tumblr a few days ago, but I forgot to add it here!

**98\. "Take a deep breath."**

 

“I’m not sure if we should be the ones doing this, Phil,” Dan said as Phil climbed up into his parents attic to get down Christmas decorations.

“Well, apparently my parents have lost all Christmas spirit so I’m the only one left who  _will_  do it.”

“Phil, it’s barely December.”

“It’s December 5th!” Phil exclaimed, turning on the attic light. “I’m just getting down a couple of boxes. They can do the rest, if they ever will.”

Dan rolled his eyes. “The fact your family has more than a couple of boxes of Christmas decorations disturbs me.”

“The fact your family doesn’t have more than a couple of boxes disturbs me.”

“Touche.”

Phil walked toward the back of the attic and Dan waited down below, staring up so he could grab a box when Phil returned.

“Oh!” Phil exclaimed.

“What?”

“I found our outdoor tree. Dad said we lost it,” he whined. “We haven’t put this out in years. Whoa!”

“What?”

“It’s heavy.”

“So leave it alone.”

“No, I want it.”

Dan sighed. “Phil, I thought we were getting a couple of boxes.”

“We are. Plus this tree.” Phil’s head appeared through the attic opening. “I’m gonna hand it down now,” he said, lifting the tree by the trunk and holding it over the opening.

It all happened very fast after that. The tree stand, which was more like a concrete plant pot, broke apart from the tree and fell down directly onto Dan’s face.

“Shit!” Dan exclaimed, grabbing onto his face and walking off where Phil couldn’t see him. “Fucking shit that hurt!”

“Are you okay?!” Phil said, hurrying down out of the attic. “Is it bleeding?”

“I don’t-” he pulled his hand away from his face and, sure enough, it was filled with blood. “Yes, it’s bleeding. Fuck.”

“O- Oh my… Okay, I’m, um, I’m gonna go get a towel or something.”

Phil hurried off into the bathroom and Dan followed behind, his eyes filling with tears from the pain. “I don’t want to drip blood through the house,” he said, holding both hands to the cut to the left of his lip. His tooth felt weird inside his mouth- his whole jaw felt weird, actually- and he could taste blood.

“I don’t care about that,” Phil said, wetting a washcloth and turning to Dan, handing it to him. “Here, hold this to it.”

Dan pulled one shaky hand away from his mouth. “Need to wash the blood off first,” he said.

Phil turned the tap back on, then gently took Dan’s hand and put it under the water, rinsing off the blood.

Dan took the washcloth with his clean hand and held it to his face. “Need this one washed too,” he said, even more blood pooled in the palm of his left hand. “Will you do it?”

Phil nodded, taking his other hand and rinsing it under the water until the blood was gone. He grabbed a towel after that and dried Dan’s hand off. “There. Now let’s go sit.”

Dan walked out of the bathroom and through the house until he reached the living room, then he sat down on the couch. “I think I can feel it in my mouth,” he said, bringing his tongue to a weird-feeling line in his mouth. “I think the cut went all the way through.”

“We might need to go to a hospital, Dan,” Phil said as Dan pulled the washcloth away, folding it over and returning it to his lip. “It’s a deep cut.”

“Do my teeth look weird?” Dan asked, opening his mouth for Phil too look.

They were slightly stained pink with blood, which made Phil’s stomach turn, but they looked fine. “No. They look normal.”

“They feel weird.”

“The corner of the stand must’ve been what hit you,” Phil said, rubbing over the back of his neck before crossing them over his chest. “Dan, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I had no idea it would break apart.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s not your fault.”

“That’s how I held it when I carried through the attic and it was fine. I thought they were attached. I didn’t know-”

Dan stood up, taking hold of Phil’s arm with one hand while holding the washcloth with the other. “Breathe, Phil. Just, take a deep breath.”

Phil closed his eyes for a moment and took in a breath, letting it out slowly.

“I need you to drive me to the hospital,” Dan said, turning away from Phil to go get the spare key to the Lester’s second car.

“What?!” Phil exclaimed.

“Keep breathing,” Dan said, “in and out. I’ll be fine, and so will you.” He came back into the living room and handed Phil the key. “Maybe I’ll ask the doctor to just stick a ring in and I’ll keep it as a piercing,” he said, giving Phil a small smile.

“How could you be joking right now?” Phil asked as Dan put a hand on his back and led them out the front door.

“Kinda happy my teeth aren’t gone, to be honest,” Dan replied. “Plus, it helps to forget they’re going to be putting stitches in my face soon.”

Phil’s shoulders fell. “Oh God-”

“Breath, Phil,” Dan said, reaching over to pat Phil’s arm. “Remember, deep breaths.”


	14. Chapter 14

**57\. “There is enough room for the both of us.”  
**

 

Dan wasn’t afraid of storms. He really wasn’t. But, this was not a regular storm. This was not rain gently tapping on the windows, while lightning occasionally struck and thunder rumbled. This was hail pounding. This was nonstop lightning followed by extraordinarily loud thunder. This was wind blowing through the screen that covered the windows, causing an irritating whistling sound.

They were away from home, in some town in America that Dan couldn’t remember the name of. They had only gotten in a few hours earlier, right before the storm started.

There had been a mess up with their room. For some reason, they were given a room with two twin size beds. Apparently, this hotel was one of the few in America that had that option, and they were lucky enough to receive it.

They were too tired to ask for another room, or to switch with someone on their management team, and it wasn’t like they couldn’t spend one night in separate beds.

Right now, however, Dan wished they would’ve asked for a different room. He wished he were being cuddled by Phil right now. Wished he felt safe in Phil’s arms.

He turned onto his side, looking over in Phil’s direction, wishing he could be as oblivious to the storm as Phil was right now.

Phil had fallen asleep soon after getting a shower, before the storm got bad.

Dan wasn’t so lucky. His brain wouldn’t shut down right away. He had to play games on his phone, and scroll through Twitter, and go on a small Wikipedia binge that started out at learning more about lightning and ended up at an article detailing the worst tornadoes in America’s history.

Now, sleep felt pointless.

He rolled onto his back and sighed, jumping slightly when thunder boomed loudly throughout the room.

“There’s enough room for both of us,” Phil mumbled sleepily, turning over to face Dan.

“You’re awake?” Dan asked, sitting up in bed.

“Heard you tossing and turning.” Phil scooted back to give Dan more room, then pushed back the covers.

Dan wanted to protest, then a flash of lightning brightened up the room, so he hurried out of his bed and crawled into Phil’s.

“Don’t fall out of the bed,” Dan said as Phil wrapped an arm around his waist.

“I won’t,” Phil replied. He pressed a kiss to the back of Dan’s head. “I’ll hold on tight.”

Dan laid his arm over Phil’s, lacing their fingers together as he closed his eyes. 

Suddenly, the storm didn’t seem so scary anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

**54\. “I made reservations.”  
**

 

Phil could sometimes be a workaholic. 

Usually, Dan was the one who couldn’t stop working once he started, and Phil was more relaxed.

On occasion, however, Phil would pick up on Dan’s bad habit and take it to a whole new level.

The difference between them was that Dan would solely focus on his videos. He’d start one and he couldn’t work on anything else until he finished it and made sure it was perfect. Phil would focus on  _everything_. Answering emails, taking business calls, writing down video ideas, looking up new games to play on the gaming channel, and making financial decisions. He would run around the house in his pyjamas, glasses on, his hair in a messy quiff, and his eyes wide, holding files and papers and spreadsheets.

Dan would take a picture of him if he didn’t always look like he was on the verge of having a panic attack.

“Dan!” Phil exclaimed, walking in front him and blocking his view of the TV. “Dan, look at this.” He dropped papers down into Dan’s lap, almost knocking the bowl of ice cream out of his hands.

“Hey! I’m eating!”

“Look at the papers.”

Dan sighed and set his bowl down on the couch. He picked up the papers and stared at all the numbers. “What am I looking for?” He asked.

Phil bent over and pointed to a row of numbers on the bottom of the first piece of paper. “This. Dan, we made less money last month than we did all previous months of last year.”

“That’s because we don’t do videos for half of January, Phil,” Dan said, handing the papers back to him. “You know this.”

“How are we supposed to afford a London penthouse in two years if I can’t put as much into savings this month?”

“I think we’ll be okay,” Dan replied, grabbing his bowl and taking a bite of the ice cream. “Can I watch TV now?”

Phil groaned, mumbling something as he walked off and headed back to the desk.

 

He sat at that desk for five more hours, writing down things, printing off stuff from the computer, and occasionally saying, “No, no, no. That won’t work,” and then writing more things down.

Eventually, Dan couldn’t take it anymore.

“Okay, get up,” he said, walking over to Phil and pulling his chair back from the desk.

“What? No. Why?”

“Because I made reservations,” Dan replied, holding onto Phil’s shoulders and lifting him up from his seat. “Go shower and get dressed. We leave in half an hour.”

Phil turned to look at him. “But, Dan-”

“Phil, this whole thing was kinda cute at first, but now it’s getting old, so I need you to chill. I’ve missed you all day and I want to spend time with you. We’re leaving the house and we’re going to dinner.”

“I- I… Okay.” Phil ran a hand through his hair and started to walk off toward the bathroom.

“Hey,” Dan said, tugging on Phil’s shirt and pulling him back to him. “It’s all on me tonight, by the way. Nothing is getting taken out of our joint account, or savings.” He wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist and pulled him closer. “So, will you relax, please? Just enjoy tonight.”

Phil let out a deep breath and smiled at Dan. “Okay,” he said, rolling his eyes at himself. “Sorry for being crazy.”

Dan leaned forward and gave him a little kiss on the lips. “It’s okay,” he replied. “It was your turn.”


	16. Chapter 16

**12\. “Take my jacket, it’s cold outside.”  
**

 

Dan had more good days than bad. And he knew how to handle his bad days better than he used to. Compared to how it was, the bad days he had now were a cakewalk compared to the bad days he had a few years ago.

But, sometimes the cloud that came over him would be a bit darker. Sometimes the fog would be thicker. Sometimes the bad days were really bad and he reverted to the person he was all those years ago.

The difference was, Phil knew how to deal with it now.

He knew the moments Dan needed to be left alone. He knew the moments that Dan definitely  _didn’t_  need to be alone. He knew when he was going to have to make Dan eat and drink. He knew when he was going to have to fix Dan’s shower for him, undress him, and make sure he actually washed while he was in there. He knew when he’d have to get his toothbrush ready, and put the mouthwash into a cup, and tear out some floss, keeping it as simple for Dan as possible.

And he knew when Dan was going to leave. He would know hours before Dan would actually leave the house. Phil could see it in his eyes. It was the days when Dan wasn’t completely lethargic. He’d move around the house, never really doing anything, but not staying still either. He’d sit on the couch, then move to the desk, then go to the gaming room, then to their office. He’d go in circles, never staying in one place long enough to get comfortable.

Then, he’d quietly make his way to the door, only grabbing his keys as he headed out.

Today was one of those days.

“Wait,” Phil said as Dan walked toward the door. He got up off of the couch and grabbed Dan’s phone, which had been left behind on their coffee table. “Take this.”

“Phil, I-”

“You know I won’t call unless I get worried or there’s an emergency,” Phil replied, stuffing Dan’s phone into the front pocket of his jeans. “But I want you to keep it with you, okay?”

Dan nodded. “Okay. Be back later.”

He was always short on days like this.

“Hold on.” Phil walked over to their coat closet and pulled out his jacket. “Take my jacket, it’s cold outside,” he said, holding it open for Dan to put his arms into it. Dan looked down at himself, and Phil knew he probably hadn’t even realized he was only wearing a t-shirt.

“Thank you,” Dan said quietly, putting the jacket on.

“Be careful, okay?” Phil said as Dan opened the door. “I’ll put the comforter in the dryer so it’ll be warm when you get back. We’ll go to sleep and things will be better tomorrow.”

Dan let out a deep breath. “Will it?” He asked, staring over at Phil. God, he looked so tired already.

“You know it will,” Phil replied confidently.

Dan nodded a single time, then headed out of the house. “I’ll be back.”

Phil shut the door as Dan walked down the hall toward the elevator. Days like these always came with a level of uncertainty. Phil would be left feeling uneasy and out of control. It would be easy for him to get stuck in his own head and mope around until Dan felt better, but he knew he couldn’t do that.

He couldn’t do that because he had a comforter to warm up.

Dan would be back soon, tomorrow would be better, and that’s all Phil needed to know.


	17. Chapter 17

**19\. “Can I hold your hand?”  
**

 

Holding hands was something very personal to Dan and Phil. Possibly even more personal than kissing.

Holding hands was for when they were alone, relaxing on the couch and watching a movie. Their hands would always find each other, wrapping around one another. Phil would rub his thumb over the top of Dan’s hand, or Dan would trace patterns over Phil’s open palm.

It was intimate. Something just for them.

There were moments, when they were out in public, that Dan ached to hold Phil’s hand, and times where Phil felt the same. To have that touch; tingling fingertips brushing over soft skin. To have the connection that made them feel safe and grounded. To give a gentle squeeze that equaled a silent “I love you.”

But that didn’t happen when anyone else was around.

Until it did.

They had been at a convention all day, and nothing had exactly gone to plan. Phil had too many cups of coffee at breakfast, making him extra jittery. Dan had tripped backstage and bruised his knee. The person interviewing them on stage was a bit of a dick who obviously had no idea who they were. They never had time for lunch. And some fans at the meet and greet were a bit too excited to meet them.

By the time they were in the back of a van, headed to their hotel, they were both on edge. To make matters worse, the driver had to make two pointless turns to trick some fans who were following them.

They were tired, and they wanted to be alone. They wanted to be holed up in the safety of their hotel room, with room service on the way.

But the hotel was still twenty minutes away and, right now, that felt like forever.

There weren’t many people in the van. Only the driver up front, their manager, Martyn, and Cornelia in the middle, and them alone in the back. Phil’s leg shook up and down as he stared out his window. The motions were starting to make him feel ill, so he turned to look at Dan.

Dan was looking out his own window, picking at his fingernails.

Phil bit at his lip for a moment, contemplating, before he decided to reach over and tap Dan’s thigh to get his attention.

“Can I hold your hand?” He asked quietly, making sure no one else heard.

He was surprised by how quickly Dan took his hand and intertwined their fingers, holding on tight.

Phil let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He squeezed Dan’s hand, settling into his seat as Dan squeezed back. 


	18. Chapter 18

**43\. “I picked these for you.”  
**

Phil could be oblivious sometimes. He didn’t mean to be, but he was a daydreamer. Dan would be twenty minutes into his hour long rants on 18th century politics and Phil would be thinking how it would be to live as Thor’s sidekick. He’d also think about where they should order dinner, or if he should make something, and what they’d watch on TV while they ate.

And, on occasion, he’d start thinking about the sex they had the night before.

He couldn’t count the number of times Dan called him out for not paying attention, or not noticing something he should have noticed.

It wasn’t  _that_  big of a deal. He noticed the important things, and he listened when it counted. Sure, Dan wished he’d respond more during discussions on music, politics, and fashion. But, he didn’t mind having a boyfriend who could spot his bad days before he did, bought him surprises, held him when he cried, and told the dumbest jokes just to see him smile.

Phil knew this too. He knew Dan didn’t really care that he had a wandering mind. In fact, he was pretty sure Dan found it cute.

Phil would eventually pick up on things on his own, albeit a while after the fact.

Like, how Dan loved flowers.

It wasn’t until Phil walked past a new flower stand on his way home from the shop. Memories of Dan always buying flowers for their flat, and keeping them in spots he was often by. They would appear by the bedside tables, or the coffee table, or the desk where they did all their editing.

He had a thought that maybe Dan didn’t just like flowers for the flat, but he liked them for him.

So, Phil took a few minutes to look around. He looked at all the different flowers until he found a bouquet of wildflowers. They were so beautiful, and colorful, and they immediately made him think of Dan.

He paid for the flowers and a new vase, then headed home.

When he arrived at the flat, he could hear Dan upstairs finishing up a liveshow.

As Dan signed off, Phil walked upstairs with two grocery bags and the flowers.

“All done?” Phil asked, setting the bags down by the staircase.

Dan nodded, still looking at his computer screen. “Yeah, just finished.”

Phil walked over and set the vase down on the desk, getting Dan’s attention.

“I picked these for you,” he said as Dan stared at the flowers.

“For me?” Dan asked.

Phil laughed. “Yes, for you. There’s a new flower stand on the way home.”

Dan grinned, reaching out and touching one of the purple flowers. “That stand has been there for six months, Phil.”

Phil rolled his eyes dramatically. “Do you like them?”

“I love them,” Dan replied, looking up at Phil. His grin turned into a genuine smile, showing the dimples that Phil loved so much. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Phil bent down and gave Dan a kiss on the cheek. “I’m going to go make dinner,” he said before walking off toward the kitchen, grabbing the bags on the way.

Dan turned the vase slightly, making it so his favorite pink flowers were in the front.

Suddenly, it didn’t matter that he just told thousands of people that a new video would be up tomorrow. He couldn’t help it if he had to stop and look over at the flowers every five minutes. He’d figure out some way to put the blame on Phil for the video being late.

After all, it _was_ his fault anyway.


	19. Chapter 19

**13\. “Sorry I’m late.”  
**

 

It was a cool day. Perfect for sitting out on the balcony and feeding the birds.

They could only do it when their neighbor was away. Due to thin walls, they knew he had left for the weekend, so they were free to draw all the birds they wanted onto the balcony.

It was Phil’s thing, really. Dan didn’t care too much about the birds. He didn’t feel a connection with them like Phil did.

Yet he was the one feeding them while Phil wasn’t even at the flat.

He threw some bird seed out and watched as three pigeons began to fly above him. They didn’t know Dan like they knew Phil. It took time for the birds to get used to him. Maybe they recognized that he was always slightly more on edge than Phil was.

Or maybe they were just birds and he was thinking too much.

With Phil, they landed right away. It was like they were instantly comforted in his presence.

Dan understood that. He felt instant comfort around Phil too.

He threw out some more bird seed and the birds finally landed. Two of them went right for the food, while one perched on the rail and stared at Dan.

“Are you a nervous birdy?” Dan asked in a high pitched voice. It sounded like he was talking to a child, or a dog, and he made a mental note to make sure Phil never knew he talked to birds this way.

The bird continued to stare at him, so Dan stared back. “Stop trying to steal my soul,” he said, glaring at the bird. He threw more seed and the bird moved from the rail to the floor.

As they ate, Dan watched, wondering what their life was like. Where all had they been? What have they seen? Do they have more family somewhere? Do they even really know one another? Were they three random birds that all saw Dan throwing seed so they decided to join together for free food? What were their thoughts like? Did they do anything for fun?

He shook his head, bringing himself out of his thoughts.

He should never be left alone with the birds.

Just then, the door to the balcony opened and Phil walked out. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, dropping a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. He handed him a drink, then sat down next to him with his own. “The line was long.”

Dan couldn’t help but notice how the birds didn’t even react to Phil’s arrival.

“It’s okay,” he replied. “The birds missed you.”

Phil smiled. “Only the birds?”

Dan glared over at Phil, tossing a handful of birdseed at him. “Shut up.”


	20. Chapter 20

**37\. ”Can I kiss you?”  
**

 

The day had been amazing.

In fact, Phil was pretty sure  _amazing_  wasn’t a good enough word to describe it.

Perfect, maybe?

Yes, it had been perfect.

Seeing Dan in person for the first time was such a relief. It felt like it had taken years to get to this point. Hell, it might as well have been years with how excited they were to be able to be in the same town, side by side.

They had done so much since Dan arrived. Phil had taken him everywhere he could think of, keeping a list in his back pocket in case he forgot somewhere important.

But, the day was starting to come to a close. It was getting dark, and Phil could see the exhaustion catching up to Dan. His high energy was wearing down and he had gone from talking almost nonstop, to talking only when he really felt the need to say something.

They were on the Wheel of Manchester, almost at the top, and as Dan took in the city around him, Phil took in Dan.

As hard as he tried to look away, his eyes always glanced back to the boy beside him.

He was so much prettier in person. Phil didn’t know how that was possible, but it was. Dan was absolutely gorgeous and Phil had tried hard to not be handsy and grabby all day.

He was though, and he felt ridiculous now. All the times he had grabbed onto Dan’s shoulder, or poked him, or scooted closer so their hands would hit one another as they walked… God, he was such a touchy person and it was so embarrassing.

He wasn’t even sure how Dan felt.

Yeah, they were flirty on Skype. If Phil’s mum had heard a few of their conversations, he never would have been able to look at her again. But, that was different. It was different than being face to face with a person. It was different than being away from the comfort of your home, where everything felt safe, because it was online and it could be thought of as not real.

This was real.

And it was terrifying.

And Phil had no idea he had been in such deep thought until he felt a gentle poke on his thigh.

“Phil?” Dan said quietly as Phil focused his attention on him again.

“Yeah?”

He watched Dan take a deep breath. He wondered if Dan’s heart was racing the way his was. “Can I kiss you?”

Phil nodded, managing to get out a, “Yes.”

Suddenly all of his doubts were gone.


	21. Chapter 21

**53\. “Sit down, I’ll get it.”  
**

It had been a long day.

A long week, really.

Sunday, two tour venues called with multiple problems that took hours to fix.

On Monday, they were supposed to film three gaming videos, but Dan never got out of bed.

Tuesday was a long day of rehearsals that neither of them felt particularly into.

They were finally able to film the gaming videos on Wednesday, but two of the games kept freezing. By the time they had finished filming, their frustration wasn’t just a put on for the camera.

Phil was pretty sure he sneezed over one hundred times on Thursday. He knew it had to be allergies, but Dan made him sleep in the guest room anyway because he could  _not_  handle getting sick right now.

On Friday, they both had to film videos for their channels, but they couldn’t find their memory cards anywhere. They went out and bought a couple of new ones, then promptly found their old ones in a drawer they had both already looked in.

They had to clean on Saturday, and run errands they had put off through the week. While Phil answered emails, Dan paced around the house and made phone calls. There was laundry to fold and shirts to iron. There was thawed chicken in the fridge that neither of them wanted to eat but they couldn’t let it go bad either.

Dan decided to make the chicken, but the oven decided to burn the chicken, so they ordered food instead.

During the half hour wait for it to arrive, Phil went to get a shower and Dan went to fix himself a glass of water, but the entire pitcher decided to slip out of his hands and splattered water all over the floor and on some of the lower cabinets.

Dan cleaned it all by himself, finishing up just as Phil got out of the shower.

Phil sat down on the couch and Dan came to sit beside him when the doorbell rang.

Dan groaned, his head falling toward his chest as he went to head over to the intercom.

Phil stopped him, tugging on his shirt. “Sit down,” he said, getting up off the couch, “I’ll get it.”

As Phil walked off and Dan sunk into the couch, resting his legs for the first time that day, he was pretty sure he had never felt so in love.


	22. Chapter 22

**95\. “Good luck.”  
**

 

Phil was never a big fan of public speaking. Sure, he was better at it now than he was ten years ago, but he could still name a long list of things he’d rather do than talk to a large group of people.

When he was on stage with Dan, he was fine. He had someone there that could fix any possible awkward situations. Dan was someone for Phil to look at when he felt nerves bubbling up from looking into the crowd. Dan was someone who could fill silent moments, could add life to any story, or comically exaggerate things in ways Phil would never think of.

It wasn’t that Phil doubted himself. He knew he could probably entertain an audience all on his own.

He just didn’t  _want_  to.

In fact, the night of the Bonca’s, when he had to go on stage alone, there was piece of him that still wished he could dive out of a window.

But Dan wasn’t like him. Dan didn’t mind being on stage by himself. He didn’t mind talking to an audience alone.

_“In all the ways I’m better at one on one, you’re better with groups,”_  Phil said once. It was after they spent some time out in London and Phil kept stopping to have conversations with random strangers. Dan didn’t understand how Phil could enjoy such discussions, and that was the only way Phil could think of to describe it.

Dan never questioned it again though.

But now, Dan was getting ready to go to a convention by himself. He was going to talk to a few hundred people about his videos, his struggles with depression, and the ways he takes care of himself on a daily basis just to keep from falling into another pit of darkness.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go?” Dan asked for the fifth time that week.

Tickets had already sold out days ago, but Dan told Phil he’d threaten to not show up if they didn’t let Phil in.

“No, I’m fine. You know how I get at events like that.”

Dan nodded, biting at the inside of his cheek. “I know.”

Phil was possibly worse at conventions when he  _wasn’t_  the one having to do the talking. There were many times Dan took the stage alone and Phil would stand backstage, nervously swaying back and forth until the question and answer session was over. The only thing that made him more nervous than messing up in front of large crowds was watching someone else mess up in front of a large crowd.

_“I don’t think I took a breath the whole time you were up there,” he’d say. “You did great though.”_

“You could talk to some of the other people there. Joe’s gonna be there, and Caspar. You like them.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, but it’s cold out and everything,” he said, moving his hands further into his sleeves for emphasis. “I’ll stay here and order food for us when you get back.”

Dan sighed. He got up off of the couch to head out. “Alright. I’ll be back later.”

“Dan, wait.” He got up and followed Dan downstairs and toward the door. “Hey, do you need me to go?” He asked as Dan turned back toward him. “You know I will if you need me there.”

Dan smiled gently, but shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine. I just like having you around.”

Phil smiled back at him. He reached a hand around the back of Dan’s neck and leaned in for a kiss, his fingers scratching into the bottom of Dan’s hair. “Good luck,” he said softly once he pulled away. “And stay warm.”

“Yes, Sir.” Dan put on his coat and a scarf, gave Phil another little kiss, then headed out the door. “I want Thai tonight!” He called out to Phil as he walked down the hall. “You know my order!”

“Alright!” Phil replied. “It’ll be here!”


	23. Chapter 23

**82\. “I was in the neighborhood.”  
**

Phil was at his parents for a week, spending time with them before he and Dan left for the tour.

Phil had wanted Dan to join him. He had gone the week before to visit his own family, although he was only gone for a couple of days.

_“You need your own time with them,” Dan told him. “Plus, you’ll see plenty of me during the tour. You’ll be wishing you had a week away.”_

Phil decided not to remind him of the fact that they literally never got sick of one another. In fact, during the last tour, they grew closer than they were before.

It was the weakest excuse Phil had ever heard, but it was also the best Dan could do. Phil’s family loved Dan to pieces, and always wanted him around, so it wasn’t like Dan could use that as a reason.

Phil didn’t fight it though, figuring Dan might’ve wanted some time alone and simply didn’t want to be so blunt to say as much.

But now, Phil was two days into his one week stay and he wished he would’ve fought it just a little bit. He missed Dan and wanted him to be there for all the planned family events.

The good thing about today, however, was that he and Dan had a Skype date planned for that night.

Until Dan cancelled.

_Phil: Wait, why can’t you skype?_

_Dan: sorry im busy with stuff_

_Phil: Tour stuff?_

_Dan: yeah i need to get some socks cause mine have holes_

_Phil: We just bought socks tho?_

_Dan: and they have holes phil_

_Phil: Can’t you just buy socks tomorrow?_

_Dan: im already out phil but we’ll talk tomorrow. love you_

_Phil: ...Love you too._

It was quite possibly the weirdest conversation they had ever had… at least, in recent history.

Dan had never cancelled a Skype date for such a dumb reason.

Phil spent the next couple of hours sulking around the house. Eventually, he sat down and half payed attention to the war movie his family was watching. In the middle of the movie, there was a knock on the door.

“Will you get that, Phil?” Kathryn asked.

“Yes, Mum.” Phil got up and walked over to the door. When he opened it, his eyes widened comically. “Dan!”

“Hey, you,” Dan greeted with a cheeky smile.

“Wh- What are you doing here?”

Dan shrugged. “I was in the neighborhood. Can I come in?”

Phil moved over to let Dan inside, shutting the door behind him. “But… You’re here,” he said, still in shock.

“Kath texted me earlier and said you were being mopey,” Dan explained, walking further into the house. “Hello everyone!”

Everyone responded with calm hello’s, because apparently Phil was the only one who didn’t know Dan was coming.

“I wasn’t mopey,” Phil said, crossing his arms over his chest and putting on a grumpy face.

“You were extremely mopey,” Martyn replied. Cornelia nodded in agreement.

Dan dropped his backpack onto the floor and walked over to Phil. He pried Phil’s arms open so he could give him a hug. “I think it’s sweet that you missed me.”

As much as he tried to resist, Phil practically melted into Dan’s hug.

“Take a seat,” Kathryn said. “You can put your things away later. I’ll go get some more snacks.”

As Kathryn left out of the room, Dan walked over to the couch and sat down. Phil scooted into the spot between him and Cornelia, then wrapped a blanket up over them.

“I missed you,” he whispered, draping an arm over Dan’s waist and laying his head on his shoulder.

Dan pressed a kiss to the top of Phil’s head. “I missed you too.”


	24. Chapter 24

**77\. “Call me if you need anything.”  
**

Dan didn’t visit home often. And, when he did visit, he didn’t stay for long.

He was always rather closed off when it came to talking about his personal life. Sometimes, his mum would joke that she felt like one of his fans, asking a questions she wasn’t supposed to ask.

“How are you doing?” was always replied with a, “Fine. You?”

“How is Phil?” always got her a, “He’s fine too. Sends his love. What’s for dinner?”

God forbid she ask about how they were doing as a couple. Asking, “How are you and Phil doing? Things going well?” got her an uncomfortable glance followed by a quick, “Yup,” and a subject change.

She supposed she couldn’t blame him. She wasn’t a huge fan of the relationship when it began and, even all these years later, after all of those initial concerns had subsided, Dan still became uneasy at the slightest hint of conversations getting personal.

For all she knew, Dan and Phil were going through continuous rough patches and they hated each other. She had nothing to go on but one word responses.

She couldn’t help but worry about her kids. She would worry until the day she died. She was proud to have independent boys, but she wished Dan would be a little less independent sometimes.

Thankfully, she had good ears. Good enough that, on the day Dan was due to leave, she could hear him in his room on the phone.

He had left his door open, so she didn’t feel like she was listening in on anything private. She could just hear from where she was… standing in the hall… frozen next to the linen closet.

“Yeah, I leave at two,” Dan said. “Mhm… I’m gonna stop by the store on the way home. Is there anything you need?”

There was a pause.

“Okay, well, call me if you need anything. I’ll send you a list of what I’m getting and you can add to it… I’ll let you know when I’m in London.” He laughed. “I can’t wait either… You too. Bye.”

She smiled, allowing one worry to fall from her mind. As long as she knew Dan was happy, she was happy.


	25. Chapter 25

**42\. “Is this okay?”  
**

 

They’d been together for a few months now, but everything felt so new. Every touch still gave them chills, every glance made their hearts flutter, every “I love you” was spoken slowly and carefully, so they knew the other heard them.

They had spent many nights together, a tangled mess of limbs underneath the covers of Phil’s bed.

So many secrets had been shared into the darkness; things they were too nervous to talk about when they could look into each others eyes.

Phil had never felt this way before. He never wanted to be away from Dan. His chest physically ached when Dan had to leave and go back home.

He found himself talking to his mum about Dan more often than not. When he’d realize he was going on thirty minutes of blabbering on and on about Dan, he’d force himself to shut up and try to hide the embarrassment.

Martyn teased him about it a lot. He’d joke about how cute it was to see Phil in love, and Phil would push him away and tell him to shut up.

Even his dad made a joke about it as the family headed out to dinner one night. He had mentioned an art exhibit heading to Manchester and Phil went to point out that Dan would enjoy it, but before he could get out the words, Nigel spoke them for him. “We know, we know,” he said, “Dan would love to see it.”

Dan wasn’t holding himself together much better. He felt like his heart was having to grow just to hold all of his love for Phil. It was ridiculous, and unbelievably cheesy, but he couldn’t help it. Phil was the best thing in his life. When they were together, he didn’t have to think about anything. When they weren’t together, Phil was all he could think about.

Life had been so uncertain to him lately. He didn’t know what he was doing, where his life was headed, or if he’d have a good future. But, Phil felt like a certain thing; the only anchor keeping his very unsteady boat in place.

 

Dan was staying with Phil again. It wasn’t the first time he had met the family, but it was the longest he’d ever stayed with everyone there. He was nervous, but everything had been going okay so far.

Dan had made sure to keep his distance from Phil, not wanting to appear as being clingy. He knew that the Lester’s knew they were together, but he still feared he’d do something that would make them uncomfortable.

It was his third night there, and they were all sitting in the living room watching a movie, when Phil scooted closer to Dan.

A couple of minutes later, Phil rested his head on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan sucked in a breath, his body stiffening for a moment.

Phil lifted his head back up and looked at Dan. “Is this okay?” He whispered, looking a little nervous himself.

Dan glanced around the room. No one seemed to care that they were close to one another. No one was giving them a strange look, or acting as if it wasn’t normal.

Dan relaxed, smiling softly at Phil. Any remaining nervousness had suddenly disappeared. “Yeah, it’s okay.”


	26. Chapter 26

**47\. “Did you get my letter?”  
**

Dan liked going on holidays with the Lester family, and he had planned to go this time, but he stayed behind at the last minute.

His own family was wanting him to visit them for a couple of days, and he was behind on work, and a few days at the house alone didn’t sound too bad.

Plus, a positive about being away from Phil was they had Skype calls to each other nearly every night.

Tonight, two nights before Phil was due back home, he and Dan were talking over Skype. Dan was in his pyjamas, lying in bed, while Phil was still in day clothes, resting on the couch at the house his family was staying in.

“I miss you.”

“You texted me that three times today,” Dan replied, a smile creeping up on his face.

“Can’t help it.” Phil reached over and grabbed a cookie from a plate on the couch, tossing one into his mouth. “I’m bored without you.”

“You didn’t seem bored in the photos Martyn sent me.”

Phil stared at Dan’s face on the screen. “What photos?”

“Playing pool at a bar somewhere. Apparently, someone gave you a giant, plush, gator hat and you decided to wear it all night long.”

Phil closed his eyes and sighed. “I didn’t think there would be photos of that.”

“You just can’t trust that Martyn,” Dan replied.

Phil hummed in agreement, brushing the cookie crumbs off his fingers. “So, did you get my letter?”

Dan looked confused. “What letter?”

“I sent you a letter a few days ago. Wanted you to get it before I got home.”

“Why the hell would you send me a letter?”

“It’s romantic!” Phil exclaimed. “A letter while I’m away at war.”

Dan snorted, shaking his head. “You’re such a nerd, Phil.”

Phil smirked. “You haven’t gone through the mail today, have you?”

Damn, Phil knew him too well. “No,” he answered.

“You’re going to check it the second we hang up, aren’t you?”

Dan glared at him. “Shut up.”

Phil’s smirk turned into a smile. “I’m glad you miss me too.”


	27. Chapter 27

**26\. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”  
**

Sometimes, Dan had days where everything annoyed him. Days where the smallest noises felt magnified by 1,000. Days where he wished he were completely alone and didn’t share a flat with a man who, apparently, enjoyed chomping his cereal.

“What?” Phil asked after Dan’s fifth time of glancing over at him since he sat down three minutes ago.

Dan shook his head. “Nothing.” He took a bite of the fruit salad he had made for himself the night before. Phil returned to watching the anime he had chosen that morning, and ate another spoonful of cereal.

“Funny, isn’t it?” Dan asked.

“What?”

“How I can eat this fruit salad without making any noise, but your cereal might be the cause of the first earthquake in London since, when, 2008?”

Phil sighed. “Is my chewing bothering you, Dan?”

“Why would you think that?”

Phil stared at him. “Because you just compared it to a natural disaster.”

Dan shrugged. “A bit loud is all. Might need to turn up the show so we can hear it.”

“We read the subtitles.”

“And now we need to rewind because you’ve talked over important parts.”

Phil rolled his eyes and tossed the remote over to Dan. “You can do that. I’ll go eat downstairs.”

“Oh, don’t go,” Dan said so quietly that it was impossible for Phil to actually hear.

 

About an hour later, Phil headed back upstairs. “Am I allowed to be near you now?” He asked.

Dan, who had nearly fallen back to sleep on the couch, was less than thrilled by the sound of Phil’s footsteps. “I suppose,” he replied.

Phil placed his dishes in the sink and turned on the water. He plugged the sink, opened a cabinet, got out the dish soap and squirted some into the sink, then placed the soap back into the cabinet and loudly closed the cabinet.

“Ugh!” Dan groaned. “What are you doing?”

“I’m washing dishes, Dan. What are you doing?”

“I was trying to relax.”

“What, the nearly eleven full hours of sleep you just woke up from wasn’t enough?”

Dan pushed himself up off of the couch. “Someone’s bitchy today,” he said, bringing his own bowl into the kitchen.

“At least you’re self aware.”

Dan glared at Phil, dropping his bowl into the sink. “I’ll leave you to the dishes,” he said, “and I’ll be in the office. Try not to break all of our dishes with your heavy hands.”

 

The house was quiet for a few hours. Dan was going to work on a video, but he ended up playing games on the computer instead.

It was nearly four o’clock when Dan’s silence was interrupted by the sounds of a vacuum running.

Dan rubbed at his temples, trying to calm himself down.

It didn’t work.

He got up and headed upstairs, search for the cord, then unplugged the vacuum.

Phil jumped and turned around quickly. “What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m trying to work,” Dan said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I was just on tumblr, Dan, everyone’s talking about how you’ve been playing games on Steam for the last three hours.”

“I don’t get why you’re being so irritating today.”

“Have you heard yourself?” Phil asked in disbelief. “You’ve been on my case about everything today. When I got out of bed this morning, you complained that my knees crack too loud!”

“They do!”

“I can’t help what my knees do, Dan!”

“God, now you’re being dramatic.”

Phil raised his hands in surrender. “Whatever. I’m gonna go out for a while.”

Dan crossed his arms over his chest, standing his ground until Phil walked downstairs and headed out of the flat.

 

It took less than ten minutes for Dan to feel like a piece of shit.

He knew Phil didn’t deserve to be treated the way he had treated him today. Phil hadn’t done anything wrong.

Dan was just having a bad day, and he was taking it out on the only person around to take it out on.

But, now Dan finally had his time alone, and he hated it.

He spent his alone time vacuuming and cleaning the flat. After that, he fixed dinner and put up a plate for Phil. Then, he got a shower and changed into new pyjamas.

Phil had been gone for hours by now, and Dan was starting to worry, so he texted him.

_are you okay_

A few minutes later, Phil responded.

_Fine. Home in a bit._

Dan put his phone down on the nightstand and crawled into bed. It was barely eight, but he didn’t feel like doing anything other than closing his eyes.

 

He woke up a while later to the sound of the bedroom door opening.

“What time’s it?” He mumbled, blinking his eyes open.

“Eight-thirty,” Phil replied. “I’m just getting pyjamas. I’ll be out in a second.”

Dan moved to sit up. “Phil-”

“I promise I’ll be quiet. I won’t even close the drawers all the way.”

“No, that’s not...” Dan sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I fixed you some dinner. It’s in the fridge.”

“Thank you,” Phil said, not even looking over at him. “I’m gonna get a shower. Go back to sleep.”

As Phil left, Dan flopped back down onto the bed. He’d talk to Phil when he came to bed.

 

Dan ended up falling back to sleep, waking up at midnight to an empty bed.

He was confused for a moment, then figured that maybe Phil was still up.

Dan got up and looked around the flat, then headed to their guest room last.

He slowly opened the door to see the outline of Phil lying in bed, wrapped up under the covers.

As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see Phil lift his head and look at him. 

“What are you doing in here?” Dan asked, keeping his voice low.

“Didn’t want to bother you,” Phil replied.

Dan walked further into the room. “Can I come lay by you?”

Phil turned onto his back, then pulled down the covers on the empty side of the bed.

Dan climbed into the bed, automatically curling up into Phil’s side. Phil wrapped Dan up in his arms and Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to be so mean today.”

Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s hair. Days like this didn’t happen often, but they happened to the both of them. They always forgave each other, long before an apology was ever spoken.

“It’s okay,” Phil replied. “I missed you today.”

“I missed you too. Where’d you go?”

“I walked around for a bit, then saw a movie by myself. Didn’t enjoy it though. Wanna go back with you.”

“Tomorrow,” Dan replied, closing his eyes. For the first time all day, he felt truly relaxed. “We’ll spend tomorrow together.”


	28. Chapter 28

**38\. “I like your laugh.”  
**

 

They’d uploaded a video earlier in the day. It was Dan’s turn to respond to messages so, besides retweeting the video, Phil hadn’t seen what people were saying.

He and Dan went about their regular routine. They watched some TV, fixed dinner, watched more TV with dinner, got their showers, then returned to the couch to scroll down their laptops and phones.

Besides Dan occasionally discussing news topics, the house was quiet.

Phil decided to look over Dan’s replies on Twitter and was smiling at some of the answers, until he reached a particular conversation that rubbed him the wrong way.

“I like your laugh,” he said, breaking the silence.

Dan looked over at him. “What?”

“Someone joked about your laugh and you said you were changing it for good, but I like your laugh.”

Dan rolled his eyes playfully. “I’m not really changing my laugh, Phil.”

“No, I know that, I just… I know stuff like that gets to you more than you let on and I want you to know I like your laugh.”

Dan looked back at his laptop, but he couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his face.

“I’m glad you like my laugh,” he admitted before they returned to their comfortable silence.


	29. Chapter 29

**88\. “I’ll see you later.”  
**

Phil had to leave early one morning. Far earlier than him or Dan were used to getting up.

He was going to meet his brother and help him get ready for Cornelia’s birthday. They had a lot of things to do, and Martyn wanted to get an early start.

Phil couldn’t believe it when his alarm went off. He was pretty sure he had just fallen asleep ten minutes ago. He ignored the sound until he heard Dan practically growl beside him, then he reached over and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand and turned off the alarm.

Sure enough, it was 6:30, and he needed to get up, get a shower, have some coffee and breakfast, and be ready to walk out the door at 7:45.

After forcing himself out of bed and into the shower, he put his pyjamas back on and headed out to the kitchen to get his coffee started.

It wasn’t until the water was ready that he realized he made enough for himself and Dan. It was second nature by now, to make coffee for them both.

He set out Dan’s mug for him, so he wouldn’t have to do it when he got up, then he fixed himself a bowl of cereal.

Beside Dan’s mug, he put out a bowl and a spoon, then set his box of cereal behind it, and went out to the living room.

He only cared to watch TV with breakfast when Dan was there, so he settled for scrolling through his phone. He caught up on messages he had gotten overnight, then looked through Instagram and liked photos he didn’t really care about.

Once he finished his breakfast and coffee, he went back into the bathroom to get dressed. He changed into his green, fox jumper, black jeans, mismatched socks, and sneakers. He opted for his glasses today, feeling too tired to bother with poking himself in the eyes. Then, he fixed his hair and brushed his teeth.

When he was done getting ready, he left out of the bathroom to find his post-it notes. He wrote on one that he’d pick up more toothpaste while he was out, then stuck it to the bathroom mirror so Dan would see it.

He looked at the time and saw he needed to get going. But first he had to go into the bedroom and say bye to Dan.

As Dan had told him the night before:

_“If you don’t tell me bye before you leave, I’ll bite your dick the next time I suck it.”_

Frankly, it wasn’t a risk Phil was willing to take.

He slowly opened the bedroom door. “Dan,” he said quietly. “Dan?”

“Mm?” Dan groaned.

“I’m leaving.”

“Mmhm.”

He walked over to Dan and leaned down, giving him a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll see you later,” he whispered, running his fingers through Dan’s hair.

Dan replied with something that sounded like, “Biiih,” which Phil assumed meant “bye.”

He smiled. “Bye, Danny.”

As he headed out of the house, he grabbed the post-its and left a note on the fridge:

_I did tell you bye this morning, in case you don’t remember. Please leave my penis as is. Thank you._


	30. Chapter 30

**18\. “Here, drink this. You’ll feel better.”**

 

****The rainy weather was doing nothing to help Dan’s mood.

Dan’s “I’m not sick so stop saying I am” mood.

Phil wasn’t exactly sure how the rain tied into making Dan’s mood worse, but he knew the harder it poured, the grumpier Dan became.

“All I’m saying is a throat lozenge would help.”

“There’s nothing for it to help,” Dan replied, coughing between every few words. His voice was scratchy and gruff, which was a clear sign that he had a sore throat.

“Dan, you’re-”

“I swear to God, Phil, if you-” he stopped, sneezing three times, “say I’m sick one more time I’m going to murder you.”

“You couldn’t murder me because you’re too  _sick_  to get off the couch.”

Dan glared over at Phil, pushing his legs out and shoving them into Phil’s thigh.

“Ow!” Phil exclaimed.

“See, if I were sick I couldn’t-” another pause for a coughing fit, “couldn’t kick you.”

Phil got up from the couch, tossing his blanket down where he had been sitting. “You’re being a stubborn grump. I’m going out for a bit.”

“In the rain?”

“Yes, in the rain.”

“Why?”

“I need some things. I’ll be back soon.”

“Wait!” Dan called out as Phil went to head downstairs. “Put your blanket on me first.”

Phil walked back over to the couch. “You’ve already got a blanket.”

“I know that, Phil.”

“And this one is so close you could just sit up and grab it.”

Dan glared at Phil again, but the anger behind it was dulled by the fact he had to hold his mouth open to breathe properly. “Just put the blanket on me, Phil!” He whined.

Phil shook his head and sighed, but leaned over and draped the blanket over Dan. “Okay, I’ll be back later. You take a nap and be less grumpy when you wake up.”

He hurried downstairs before he could hear whatever Dan decided to mumble about him.

 

When Phil got home a couple of hours later, Dan was just waking up and feeling much worse than before.

Without saying a word, Phil dropped a bag down on the coffee table.

“What’s this?” Dan asked, sniffling to try and clear his nose.

“Just some things that people who aren’t sick might need.”

As Phil went back toward the kitchen, he could hear Dan grabbing the bag and looking through it.

Phil picked up a cup of tea he had gotten on his way home and headed back to Dan. “Sit up a bit,” he said softly.

Dan pulled himself up just enough for Phil to scoot in behind him, then he laid back down, resting his head on Phil’s lap.

“Phil?”

Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s hair. “Yeah?”

“I think I might be sick.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah, you just might be.” He placed the drink in front of Dan, so he could hold onto it. “Here, drink this. You’ll feel better.”


	31. Chapter 31

**67\. “I did the dishes.”  
**

 

Sometimes, Phil felt overwhelmed. It didn’t happen the way it did with Dan. When Dan was overwhelmed, you knew. His voice would be slightly higher, he would get fidgety, and then he’d go quiet; he’d be silent on both social media and in real life.

Phil was less obvious. It was different than when he stressed over a game or a video. When he was overwhelmed with real life, he didn’t really show it. He’d go on like everything was fine until he’d say “I’m fine” so much that Dan knew he wasn’t fine at all.

Currently, he was stressed because of a list he had made for himself. It was everything that needed to be done before the tour. They’d be leaving in two days, and they still had lots to do.

Phil’s list included buying socks, vacuuming the floors, mopping downstairs, cleaning bathrooms, make sure towels were all washed, remind friends to water plants, do dishes in the sink, and clean out the fridge.

It wasn’t that Dan wasn’t doing anything; in fact, he had a list of his own. He simply didn’t seem at all overwhelmed with his list, and that baffled Phil.

He had gone out to get socks, which took far longer than he would have liked, and got him off schedule. When he got home, he hurried up the stairs to throw the socks in his suitcase and get started on his next task.

“Hey, You,” Dan greeted, leaving out of the kitchen as Phil got upstairs.

“Hey,” Phil replied quickly, heading straight for their room.

“I had a few minutes after dusting,” Dan continued, following behind Phil, “while I waited for our last load of clothes to finish drying, so I cleaned out the fridge and I did the dishes.”

Phil stopped, dropping his socks onto the bed and turning back to Dan. He walked over to him and wrapped him up in a big hug, causing Dan to let out a laugh.

“Thank you,” Phil said.

“Your freakouts may not be noticeable to the rest of the world, but I know you too well, Philly. I’ll always help out.”

Phil sunk further into Dan’s arms and, for the first time in nearly a week, he felt relaxed.


	32. Chapter 32

**72\. “I’ll meet you halfway.”  
**

 

****Working with YoungMinds sometimes meant Dan had to leave for a while. What started out as day events in London turned into multi-day events all over the UK.

Sometimes, Phil went. He’d stay in the hotel room while Dan made his speeches or went to meetings, then they’d order in food or go out somewhere- usually, they’d stay in.

Other times, Phil stayed home. He’d stay back when he needed to film a video, or had meetings of his own to attend, or he just didn’t feel like going. Currently, Dan was in Liverpool, and Phil had decided he didn’t want to go. Dan was only supposed to be gone for two days, and Phil wanted to get some housework done.

Two days, however, turned into a week, and Phil was regretting his decision to stay behind.

_Phil: I miss you._

_Dan: i miss you too_

_Phil: Maybe I’ll come now and stay for a bit?_

_Dan: you cant. you have to go to that meeting for us day after tomorrow_

_Phil: Fuck it. I’ll have Martyn do it._

_Dan: phil no we cant have him make final merch decisions for us_

_Phil: Then you sneak away for a couple of days._

_Dan: i have nothing tomorrow but then i have meetings for the next two days_

_Dan: i should be home after that though_

Phil thought for a moment, biting at his bottom lip, unsure if he could wait that long to see Dan again.

_Phil: I’m sure there’s a place between us that we could meet up. A hotel or a b &b_.

Phil immediately began looking up places that were between the two of them.

_Dan: dont you think youre being a bit ridiculous phil? it would be a waste_

Phil sent Dan a pouty face, then proceeded to send him four different locations between them that had last minute availability.

He stared down at the “...” for what felt like an eternity, before he got a reply from Dan.

_Dan: youre so annoying_

_Dan: but fine_

_Dan: i dont care which one_

_Dan: i’ll meet you halfway_

Phil was certain he had never packed so fast in his life.


	33. Chapter 33

**81\. “Sweet dreams.”**

“I’m going to die.”

“You’re not going to die… unless I kill you.”

“I’m serious, Dan.” Phil held onto his stomach and pressed his forehead against the window, groaning as the trees whirled by in a blur.

“Why don’t you stop looking outside?”

“It usually helps,” he replied before suddenly, he froze up, and sat up straight with his eyes going wide.

“Phil, are you going to-”

“Sh!” Phil interrupted, not even wanting to hear the word. Hearing the word would send him over the edge. He took a few deep breaths, then settled back down. “I’m okay. It went away.”

“Okay,” Dan started, all attempts at humor long gone, “why don’t we stop for a little bit? We have time to pull off somewhere.”

Phil shook his head. “No, I want to get there. I don’t want to make the ride longer.”

“But, Phil-”

“No, really, Dan, I’ll be fine.”

Dan sighed. He hated when Phil got stubborn.

Phil turned to stare out the window once again; Dan watched as he slowly rubbed his hand up and down over his stomach. When he could hear Phil groaning under his breath, he rolled his eyes and reached over, unbuckling Phil’s seatbelt.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked, giving Dan a confused look.

“Lay your head on my lap.”

“Dan, we could wreck!” Phil replied, pulling his seatbelt back down to re-buckle it.

“We’re ten minutes away from the hotel and the road is nearly empty.”

Phil shook his head, but let go of the seatbelt. “It wouldn’t help,” he said, biting at his bottom lip.

“You don’t know that. Staring out the window usually helps but it’s not today.” He patted his lap, “Come on, I’ll rub your head.”

Phil wanted to resist, but  _God_  it was so tempting, and he wasn’t strong enough to keep arguing right now.

He curled up on the back seat and rested his head on Dan, his eyes immediately closing the second Dan’s fingers ran through his hair.

Dan smirked, but stayed quiet. Phil always fell asleep with a head massage; Dan had a 100% success rate.

Sure enough, within a couple of minutes, Phil’s breaths had evened out.

They’d be at the hotel soon, but Dan didn’t mind staying right here if it helped Phil get rest.

He eased Phil’s glasses off and placed them in the cup holder beside him, then resumed rubbing his head, softly whispering, “Sweet dreams, Philly.”


	34. Chapter 34

**63\. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”**

 

****“I think I’m gonna do it.”

“That’s great,” Dan replied, toeing off his slippers before climbing into bed beside Phil. “Do what?”

Phil sighed, resting his head against the headboard. “It, Dan. It.”

Dan turned to him, stared, remaining silent.

“ _It,_ Daniel,” Phil said, slightly more irritated this time, motioning toward his head.

“Did I miss a full conversation or something? I’m lost, Phil.”

Phil crossed his arms, his eyebrows furrowing. Dan found it adorable, and would have said as much if he weren’t so confused.

“Changing my hair,” Phil clarified. “I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Oh.” Dan pulled his shirt off and dropped it on the floor beside him. He scooted further into the sheets, wrapping them close around his chest. “Okay.”

Phil reached over and gently slapped Dan’s shoulder. “Hey!” He exclaimed, insulted by Dan’s lack of enthusiasm.

“Well,” Dan defended, “you’ve been saying that for, what, six months? Excuse me if I don’t hold my breath.”

“I’m serious now, Dan. I really think I’m gonna do it.”

Dan looked over to see that Phil was pulling at a loose thread on their sheets. It was a nervous habit for Phil. He always had to have his hands messing with something when he was worried.

Dan sat back up, a chill rushing over him as the covers moved down toward his waist.

“You’re  _really_  going to?” He asked, turning his full attention to Phil.

Phil nodded, looking over at him. “I already called the hairdresser. He’s coming tomorrow.”

“Oh, wow. You  _are_  serious.”

“Yeah, I am. I just…” He bit at his bottom lip, staring down at the sheets again. “I’m worried still.”

“You know you don’t need to be, right? Literally everyone online talks about you changing your hair. I mean, fuck, Phil, they search for rare pictures of you without a fringe.”

Phil shook his head. “Not what I’m worried about.”

“Then what is it?”

Phil took a deep breath. He looked at Dan and Dan could see all the stress he’d built up over this just from the look in his eyes.

“I’m worried about… What if you don’t like it?”

A small rumble of laughter escaped from Dan before he could stop it. He couldn’t help it. The question seemed ridiculous.

But Phil didn’t think so.

Any remaining smile quickly faded from Dan’s face. “Are you serious? Phil, I’ve seen you with a quiff before. In fact, it’s what you usually have when we’re home and not filming.”

“I know that, but this is different. This is a full change. No more fringe at all, ever.”

“Why do you make it sound like that’s a bad thing?”

“Because you-” Phil let out a frustrated breath. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s me, Phil. Stupid doesn’t matter with us.”

“You… You know change freaks me out. It’s like I… I mean, with other people I don’t mind, but for me, personally, it scares me.”

“Yes, I know.”

“I don’t think I’m explaining this right.”

“You’re not really explaining it at all, Phil,” Dan replied gently.

“I’m scared that me changing will change how you feel about me,” Phil let out in a rush.

Suddenly, Dan felt speechless. “Oh… Oh, fuck,” he said quietly. He took a second to think over his words, then he reached over and took Phil’s hand. “Not to sound like a complete dick, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”

“I literally told you it was stupid two seconds ago.”

“And I should have listened. But, fuck, Phil, seriously, you changing your hair would never change the way I feel about you. That’s just- it wouldn’t happen.”

“But you fell in love with emo Phil who always had a fringe. Since we’ve met, minus some small changes to the hair, that’s who I’ve always been. I don’t change.”

“You don’t think you’ve changed since we’ve met?” Dan asked, unable to believe what he was hearing.

“I don’t feel like I have.”

“Phil, you’ve… You’ve changed so much. We both have. If you were still the same person you were in 2009, we wouldn’t be together anymore.”

“I don’t wanna think about that,” Phil quickly replied.

“But it’s true. Same the other way around too. If I were still that obnoxious teenager you would absolutely hate me.”

“It’s different though. Somehow. It seems so natural for you. Every time you change something about yourself, people just latch onto it, including me. It seems effortless.”

“You’re forgetting the behind the scenes of it all. It took me, what, twenty-five years to be comfortable with my natural hair? Took years for me to get help for my depression, and even longer to admit I had depression to the rest of the world. Took years for me to become more open and honest about myself. I mean, how have you forgotten all the nights we both spent up while I paced the floors, worried, and cried over the smallest things because I was terrified what people would think?”

Phil rubbed his thumb back and forth over the top of Dan’s hand. “I wasn’t thinking about that. It’s just, what’s put online, and the way everyone reacts to it, and the confidence you show on camera, it… I don’t know. It blurred out all the rest, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you still love me, even though I’ve changed?”

“I feel like I fall more in love with you everyday,” Phil replied without a moment of hesitation.

Dan chose to ignore his heart fluttering for the time being. “And I feel the same way. You could shave your head, and your eyebrows, and get a bad spray tan, and pierce your tongue and nipples, and get tattoos, and sell your soul to the devil, and I would still love you.”

Phil smiled and let out a laugh. “Cross your heart?” He asked.

Dan nodded. “Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“Okay.”

Phil let go of Dan’s hand to turn off the lamp, then they both settled into bed.

“I’ll let the hairdresser know about shaving my head and eyebrows tomorrow,” Phil said as Dan wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist.

“And I’ll call the tattoo parlor about the tattoos and piercings.”

“You’ll have to call satan too,” Phil replied. “You know him better than I do.”

Dan pressed a kiss to Phil’s back. “I’ll get right on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: softgolftechniques


	35. Chapter 35

**90\. “You can tell me anything.”  
**

 

****“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” Dan replied, turning onto his side so he could see Phil without straining his neck. Sometimes he really regretted the fact they asked for an RV with an extra lounge in the back. This would have been a much better conversation to have lying close to one another in bed, instead of on separate couches in a weirdly lit room with the TV going in and out every few seconds.

But, this is what they had, and they had no choice but to deal with it.

Phil let out a deep breath. “It’s just… I don’t know, it’s nothing.”

“Obviously not. You look all sad.”

“It’s stupid,” Phil replied, looking over at Dan. “I’ll feel dumb if I try to explain it.”

Dan got up and moved over to the couch Phil was on. He sat sideways so he could face Phil, crossing his legs in front of him. “You know you can tell me anything. We always do.”

Phil nodded, giving Dan a tiny smile. “I know,” he replied. It was true too. He knew he could tell Dan anything and he’d never really be judged for it. Sure, when they said things on camera, they’d joke around with each other. But when it came to real life, they were always completely open and honest with each other without ever having to worry. “I just kinda feel like an asshole and if I explain it, I’ll feel like even more of an asshole.”

“You’re like the furthest thing from an asshole, Phil, so tell me what’s wrong or I’m just going to worry.”

The TV turned to static then, causing the room to darken a bit. Somehow, it made it easier for Phil to talk.

“Sometimes, I wish… I wish the tour was already over and we were in the after-tour part of our lives.” He turned toward Dan. “See- asshole.”

“I don’t see how that’s a bad thing at all, Phil.” Dan leaned back against the armrest of the couch, bending his knees and resting his feet on the couch as he smiled at Phil. “I think it’s sweet, really.”

Phil shook his head. “It’s not though. Not really. I’ll be in the middle of a meet and greet and I’ll look over at you and I’ll wish we were at home together, planning our trip to Japan, or looking for an apartment or house to buy. I’ll wish we already had a dog, or whatever pet we end up getting, and looking over adoption agencies to see who we wanted to go with when we do adopt. I love meeting everyone, and being on stage, and getting to see the world, but a part of me wishes we were just seeing the world without the tour… A part of me wishes there was no reason to have a tour and we could just be us and travel and not think about who might see us and where they might see us at.”

“None of that makes you an asshole, Phil,” Dan replied. “We decided this was our final tour for a reason. A last hurrah or whatever-the-fuck before we settle down and start our life. And all this won’t last forever,” he added, motioning around them. “One day, no one is going to know who we are, or at least they won’t care anymore, and we’ll be sitting out on a porch watching our grandkids play and reminiscing about the shows we got to do and the places we got to see. We’ll be old and wrinkly and we’ll be wishing someone wanted a photo with us again.”

“You’re right,” Phil agreed. He matched Dan’s position, their legs intertwining in the middle of the couch. “I know you’re right, I just… I’m really excited for what comes after this. We’ve got so much left to do still. I feel impatient.”

Dan smiled. “I’m impatient too. And I’m glad you’re excited. It’d really suck if you weren’t.”

“So I’m not an asshole?”

Dan shook his head. “Not an asshole.”

“Good. Can we watch TV now?”

Dan looked over at the television. “Oh yeah. I love the static show.”

“It’s my favorite,” Phil replied, squeezing Dan’s leg between his own. “You never know what’ll happen next.”


	36. Chapter 36

**79\. “I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”  
**

****The silence was so loud it hurt Phil’s ears.

He used to think it was ridiculous when people would say that the silence was deafening, but he understood it now.

He was used to the mood swings. He was used to Dan having days where he wasn’t very talkative; days where Dan would take long walks by himself, and wouldn’t crack a real smile, and might not eat or drink properly.

They’d been together for a few years now, and he’d brought it to Dan’s attention more than once. Times when Dan’s lack of reaction to real life would send Phil into a fit of anger and upset and he couldn’t help but let Dan know how he felt about it.

It wasn’t like Dan didn’t realize it either. He had gone to a few doctors and they’d all told him the same thing, but he’d brush it off so quickly that Phil wouldn’t let himself worry for too long and he’d brush it off as well.

And it wasn’t like it was bad every day. They had a lot of good days too.

But maybe that was the problem. Because Dan would see doctors when he was having good days and weeks and then nothing would ever get done after the diagnosis. Phil was only now starting to realize this, and he felt like an idiot for it.

Over the years, the bad days started becoming more frequent. And one full day spent in bed turned into three. Phil had started to count how long Dan would go without a shower, and his current record was four days.

Phil had also resorted to bringing Dan food and water, which he didn’t used to have to do, because before Dan would miss a day of proper nutrition here and there, but now he was missing multiple days and Phil knew that wasn’t a good thing.

He could feel the bad days creeping up before they’d even arrive now. He could feel the differences in Dan’s touch, the way they kissed, the way they had sex. Sometimes, Dan would get so distant in the middle of sex that Phil would stop because it didn’t even feel like he was really there anymore.

There were times where Phil would be telling Dan something so important to him, and Dan would barely react, and Phil would get upset, but Dan wouldn’t even fight back.

There were days where the metaphorical wall between them was so thick, Phil wasn’t even sure if Dan was on the other side because he couldn’t hear or see anything anymore.

And then there was a day where Phil had had enough, and he found Dan’s medical records, and he looked up depression and its symptoms, and the reality of it all hit him so hard that tears were falling down his face without him even realizing it.

Which led him to now, standing beside their bed, Dan lying in it, facing away from him. It led to him asking Dan if he’d ever looked into depression before, after his appointments. It led him to asking Dan if he’d talk to him about it, and why they’d never taken it seriously before.

It led him to the deafening silence he’d never experienced before this moment.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan muttered out. His voice was flat, no anger or frustration could be heard. Sometimes, on days like this, Phil wished Dan would yell. He wished they could get into a big argument and scream at each other, or do anything that showed him Dan was still really there.

“I think we have to, Dan. You don’t… You don’t have many good days anymore,” Phil replied, his voice breaking slightly. He cleared his throat. “I’m not taking it lightly now. I would… I would before, when you’d come home. You’d throw the papers they’d give you into a file, tell me they said you were just too much of a perfectionist and you’d let it take over every aspect of your life. You’d tell me all you needed was relaxation and to let your brain calm down. I’d let it go every time, but you lied to me and it’s more serious than I ever thought. I can’t- We need to talk about it. You-” He paused, taking a deep breath. “You need help.”

He watched the blankets move up and down with every breath Dan took. “I’m sorry,” Dan responded, so quiet that Phil almost missed it.

Dan turned over to face Phil, but never looked up at him. He kept his eyes staring straight ahead. “I’m fucked up. I’m sorry.”

It was that same, monotone voice that Phil hated so much. He hated it because it wasn’t Dan at all. Dan was loud and happy and funny and it was painful when all of that would go away.

Phil sighed. “You don’t have to be sorry,” he replied. “But we do have to fix this. I don’t… I don’t know what to do, Dan, and I can’t make it better, and I can’t keep pretending that it’ll just go away.”

“I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan repeated. “I just really can’t talk about it right now. I’m sorry.”

There was something different in his voice at that moment. A sincerity that Phil hadn’t heard in days. There was heartbreak, true sadness, and maybe even fear in those words.

Phil reached out, wrapping his hand around Dan’s fingers that were barely poking out from under the covers. “I’ll still be here when you’re ready,” he said, giving Dan’s hand a squeeze.

Dan squeezed back, which was more affection than he’d shown in nearly a week, so Phil leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I’ll go make us dinner,” he said, letting go of Dan’s hand and walking back to the door, “It’ll be something light, I promise.”

As he left the room and closed the door behind him, he let out a deep breath. It wasn’t much, but it was something and, for now, that would have to be enough.


	37. Chapter 37

**_80\. “Is your seatbelt on?”_   
**

 

****“Do you want me to die or something?”

“Come on, Dan, I’m not that bad.”

Dan stared at Phil for a moment. “Are you serious?” He asked, his voice rising. “Are you  _actually_  serious, Phil?”

“It’ll be fine,” Phil replied, waving Dan off. “Let’s go.”

They were on vacation with Phil’s family for the week, and Phil was determined to have toast for breakfast, even though they had forgotten bread at the store the day before. No one else wanted toast though, leaving Phil to get it himself. He had no desire to go alone, and Dan was the only person willing to ride along.

_Idiot,_  Dan thought to himself.  _I’m the only idiot willing to go._

“This is a terrible idea,” Dan said as Phil grabbed a set of keys from the coffee table.

“Please be careful, Children,” Kathryn said as they headed to the door.

“Pray for us, Kath,” Dan replied.

“Already started, Dear.”

Phil rolled his eyes as they headed out the door. “You guys are so dramatic.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive?”

“Oh God, no.”

“Hey! I’ve never dented or scratched a car. Or ran into bushes. Or-”

“Okay, okay, just get in.”

Dan pulled on the door handle… then again… and again. “You have to press the button to unlock the door, Genius.”

“Oh yeah! Oops!”

When they got into the car, Phil started it, then looked over all the buttons and controls to make sure he knew where everything was at. He pressed down on the brake, then went to put the car in reverse. “Is your seatbelt on?” He asked before glancing over at Dan.

“Safely fastened,” Dan replied.

Phil nodded. “Okay… Maybe just like pull it until the child safety comes on.”

Dan pulled at the belt, showing it wouldn’t move. “Already done.”

Phil let out a deep breath and put the car in reverse. He took his foot off the brake and started to back out, but quickly stopped before they reached the end of the driveway. “You know, I think I’d rather just have cereal today.”

“Thank fuck,” Dan replied, hurrying to unbuckle his seatbelt as Phil turned off the car, then they headed safely back inside.


	38. Chapter 38

**30\. “One more chapter.”  
**

 

****It started when Dan wrote the fanfic for their book. During that process, he realized he loved writing fiction. That led to a very long, nearly four year process of writing out a book that he was sure would never see the light of day.

“Even if it does get published,” Dan said to Phil one day, “I don’t want anyone to know I wrote it. I don’t want them reading it just because it’s me, or for them to read into things that don’t need read into.”

“I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be able to read it.”

Dan bit at his bottom lip. “I just need to check everything one more time.”

 

Dan couldn’t help but glance over at Phil a hundred times in the last three hours, which was when he handed over a very rough draft of his book. Phil hadn’t said a word since then; the only thing Dan had heard was the turning of the pages.

He let it go on for another half hour before he couldn’t handle it anymore. “It’s getting late,” he said, feeling more nervous than he thought possible. “Why don’t we go to bed?”

Phil looked up from the pages for the first time. “I haven’t finished yet.”

“You don’t have to read it all in one night!” Dan exclaimed. “You don’t have to read it all at all.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrowed. “But I want to.”

A small smile grew on Dan’s face. “Fine. But for now, bed?”

“One more chapter,” he replied, giving Dan the pleading eyes that he could never refuse.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Fine. But I know how long it takes for you to read a chapter,” he said, pointing at Phil. “I’ll come back out and force you to bed if it takes too long.”

Phil reached out and grabbed Dan’s finger, tugging him forward until he could hold onto his hand. “It’s a  _really_  good book,” he said softly, pulling Dan in for a kiss.

“Promise?” Dan asked once they parted.

“Cross my heart.”

Dan smiled, getting up from the couch. “Goodnight, Phil.”

“G’night, Danny,” Phil replied as Dan walked back toward their bedroom. He took a final glance back at Phil, whose head was already buried in the book again.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: softgolftechniques


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